also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
