Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think my moral compass just broke
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