This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
