Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
