Farmville is her only friend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
