Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
