You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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