This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
