I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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