I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
