I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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