I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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