that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
