my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
