i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
