I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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