I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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