Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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