You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
