i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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