sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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