On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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