what day is it and did you see me today?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
