can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
