I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
