Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
