Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My cat gives me a boner
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
