i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found puke in my bra..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
