If that was your dad, he is hot
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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