I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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