Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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