The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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