Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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