Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
