Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
