On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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