Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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