ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
