you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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