Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
