I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
