im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Who wears a wallet chain?!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
