Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
