Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
