i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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