Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i don't like sucking hair
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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