The maid of honor just puked.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
