remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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