bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
