nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
