There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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